In the first email I sent to you, I mentioned having dissociative disorder.
I prefer the people who scoff at that sort of thing to unsubscribe straightaway -- and OMG, does it work! I put my "red flags" up first.
So me referencing DID shouldn't be a secret.
What IS a secret: My deadname.
I started going by "Freya J. Lively", "Freya J." for short, on the internet because I was receiving messages from people who developed parasocial relationships with me.
The bigger your audience grows, the more people think they know you personally and feel entitled to your time/being in your personal life/etc. Parasocial relationships aren't inherently bad; they step into toxic territory when a person demands attention or to be in your life. π€·ββοΈ
For the past few months, "Freya J." has been extremely dissociating for me.
Most times I look in the mirror, I see a stranger. I don't recognize myself until I do.
Having DID, my identity is dynamic and not static.
I recognize I live in a world dominated by singlets whose identities ARE static, who find changing identities "frequently" or dynamically as "sus" or "sketchy".
I'm writing this email because I need to stop using the identity I switched to using because I have DID.
What "Freya J." has meant all along:
- a stage name
- a collective name, for the system collectively, because of functional multiplicity, per the naming styling singlets accept (because "The Lemon System" is not what singlets accept)
- an alter duo between Freya and Jane.
Here's a sort of "riddle" explanation, if you can follow it:
I am me, except in the context of βweβ β unless the context of βweβ demands an βIβ, in which case βIβ am βweβ instead of βmeβ...at the same time, βIβ am always βmeβ, even when Iβm βweβ, for both myself and the collective are the sum of all our partsβ¦even when weβre βIβ.
It's complicated. π
Am I 100% Jane right now? Yes...and no...and also yes and no, and lots of asterisks because it depends. π€£
But I'm Jane enough to prefer using Jane for a longer time than I have been publicly as of late. I've been more Jane than Freya J., and I want the recognition dammit π
The closest similarity for non-systems might be group projects:
- Everyone is expected to do their part and have an even amount of work.
- A few people wind up doing most of the work.
- The entire group receives the credit for something amazing you executed.
- Lather, rinse, repeat. π
When I'm "at the front", I like to embrace it...because with DID, I never know how much time I'll have.
With that same analogy, "fronting" is like presenting or having recognition that you pulled off the project within the group.
"Dormancy" would be absence during the entire group project, despite being part of the group.
"Functional multiplicity" is like a mix between system responsibility (whole group receives credit/shares credit AND takes responsibility for the actions of other group members) and fronting.
The best part of all of this is that I rebranded last year to Lemon & Lively to allow for this. exact. thing. β¨
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